{"id":335,"date":"2011-01-03T18:21:50","date_gmt":"2011-01-03T23:21:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/?p=335"},"modified":"2011-02-10T03:32:05","modified_gmt":"2011-02-10T08:32:05","slug":"335","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/?p=335","title":{"rendered":"A sustainable marriage (NYTimes 12\/31\/10)"},"content":{"rendered":"

This NYTimes article<\/a> focuses on what makes a sustainable marriage. The author proposes that relationships succeed when they develop \u201cself-expansion\u201d via a mutual contribution to increased knowledge and new experiences. The concept is interesting and speaks to the relationship between Fran and me. I took their \u201cquiz,\u201d although I don’t put that much credence in it. What I found most interesting were the comments that ensued. You can see them for yourself online, and I have copied my four comments\u00a0at the end of this post (#s 69, 159, 174, 207 for NYTimes article).<\/p>\n

As a Quaker, I am particularly led by two testimonies focusing on 1) Inner (personal) peace and 2) Outward (world) peace. These two are closely related, and while my comments on this NYTimes article relate particularly to the first sense of peace, it is true that with more of this first type, we would also have much\u00a0more of the latter type (and vice versa).\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/p>\n

MY COMMENTS:<\/p>\n

#69. I am married to the love of my life \u2014 smart, exciting, physical, surprising, adventurous, happy. It CAN happen. We have VIGOROUS debates \u2014 she can challenge me at times, which is good because we have the security and confidence of our love. We\u2019ve been together eight years. It\u2019s quite amazing, actually. BTW, although I see no need for this sort of quiz for us, my score was 98 (plus or minus two, I would say).<\/p>\n

#159. I find these comments about relationships better than the quiz itself (which has limitations that have been pointed out already. Here are my hi-lites, and at the end I reply to #93 that was critical of my comment #69 — don\u2019t miss it.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. #67 An \u201cexpansive marriage\u201d is no doubt sustainable, but I\u2019m sure it is only one of many different kinds of sustainable marriages<\/em>. Agree; it depends on the particular partners. This happens to be important for us.<\/li>\n
  2. #79 Fact is a sizable majority of people are threatened by things that are unfamiliar.<\/em><\/li>\n
  3. \u00a0#80 It\u2019s about being an open, mature, secure human being<\/em>.<\/li>\n
  4. #84 I feel like this quiz, and the comments, are intended for people pre or post kids.<\/em> This is a good point.<\/li>\n
  5. # 86 I\u2019ve been challenged and forced to grow in my marriage but not always for good reasons.<\/em> This has been expressed in a number of comments\u00a0 A one-sided marriage is not a good marriage, so one partner taking this test tells only a partial story<\/li>\n
  6. :# 92 They are not necessarily good for each other, but are afraid to try anything else.<\/em> Although sometimes this fear may be reasonable. Individuals may have limited options in some circumstances.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    I was greatly encouraged to read some very positive descriptions among these comments. Others have been less fortunate, and there is always the question of what to do when things are \u201csoso.\u201d<\/p>\n

    And finally\u00a0 #93 I love the modest folks who brag about getting scores above 70, especially the one claiming 98. Did I miss something, or the maximum possible a 70?!… I\u2019ll take average \u2013 seems sustainable.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Reply<\/span><\/strong>: Guess I\u2019m too accustomed to working on a scale of 100 and I just subtracted. Make that 68 or 70 if it makes you happier. But the test score is trivial compared to what I actually wrote at #69. And I must question if you were simply unhappy about my math or didn\u2019t want to believe that I was being honest with what I said there. Relationships run the gamut. Neither my wife nor I is perfect, but our relationship of eight years is, I repeat, amazing.\u00a0 We are not inexperienced in life, so when you find something amazing, I think there is real value in letting other folks know that such things are possible even in this day and age. Counting points is simply irrelevant to what I am trying to express. \u00a0<\/p>\n

    Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.<\/em> Much as I love this opening line by Tolstoy, that doesn\u2019t mean I believe it. I take it as the sort of thoughtful challenge that we humans have evolved to raise and debate.<\/p>\n

    #174. I understand and respect #163, who wrote: \u201cIt\u2019s GREAT if you can find a person whose presence is so inspiring that it makes you grow. But not everyone is that lucky. Also, the fact remains that usually \u2013 not always, but usually \u2013 one person simply gives more, and has more to offer, than the other one.\u201d \u00a0(Were my wife and I fortunate or unfortunate to have previously been in difficult one-sided relationships? We learned a great deal, searched extensively, could function well independently and held out for the best, and then, was it luck or fortitude, met one another in the woods one rainy night.)<\/p>\n

    I know people who do much better with a dog or cat than a human partner, and that can be fine and appropriate. A dear friend is happily single. This wouldn\u2019t work for me (although it\u2019s better than a bad relationship), but that\u2019s not the point.<\/p>\n

    Guess this is why I find the Comments more interesting than quiz scores.<\/p>\n

    #207. Good point by #183 that \u201cthe headline is fairly misleading and skews both the data and the intent of the writer. It seems disingenuous to focus on the word \u201cme\u201d and suggest that sustainable love is entirely self-serving.\u201d New York Times seems to have headline problems more often than I would wish. I admit that I never read the original full article until seeing this post.<\/p>\n

    My wife\/partner and I share values, commitment, caring and good mental health — that is assumed as the environment in which our special activities occur and thus I did not even mention these things in #69. While those four make for a solid relationship in themselves, they can also serve as the underpinning for a really great relationship. If anyone has interest in how things work out for us, you can read more at https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com<\/a> and search for \u201cmarriage.\u201d But everyone is different in some ways, and that can be one of the beauties and surprises of life.<\/p>\n

    Re Comments about the importance of sexuality: There is a wide range of needs and values placed on sex, generally (but not always) related to the age of the couple. It is important for us (in our 60\u2019s and very healthy), but we\u2019re prepared to do work arounds as we get older, and it seems that many couples that we know are no longer sexually active. Being matched yet flexible in this regard is important, and the cause\/effect relationship is indeed complex.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    This NYTimes article focuses on what makes a sustainable marriage. The author proposes that relationships succeed when they develop \u201cself-expansion\u201d via a mutual contribution to increased knowledge and new experiences. The concept is interesting and speaks to the relationship between Fran and me. I took their \u201cquiz,\u201d although I don’t put that much credence in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,6,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-335","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family","category-love","category-peace"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/335","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=335"}],"version-history":[{"count":14,"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/335\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":402,"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/335\/revisions\/402"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=335"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=335"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.peacefulways.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=335"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}